


Ohnaka v Skywalker: Dawn of Nonsense

by FireflyFish



Series: Prompted: A Collection of Might-Have-Beens in a Galaxy Far Far Away [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 11:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9817988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireflyFish/pseuds/FireflyFish
Summary: Obi-Wan Kenobi should really know better to than to let Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano wander the Outer Rim all by themselves but how could she have foreseen her former Padawan getting captured by Hondo Ohnaka's mother?Now she will have to go to extreme lengths to get her partner back from the terrible clutches of Mama Ohnaka, the Scourge of Klatooine.Inspired by a Tumblr Fic Prompt "A Fake Relationship"





	

It all started when Anakin fell afoul of some Weequay pirates on the Outer Rim. 

He and Ahsoka had stopped off at a way station to refuel their starfighters when the planet, a forgettable ball of rock by the name of Gital 3, was suddenly besieged by a fleet of pirate ships jumping out of hyperspace. Of course, they had sprung into action, the noble Jedi that they were, and ran for their fighters, intending to defend the planet from the invaders. 

They never got the chance as one of the ships sailed through the atmosphere and blasted Ahsoka’s aethersprite sky-high. Fortunately Artoo had been trailing after his master and the tiny astromech was left unscratched. Sadly, the same could not be said for Ahsoka’s Arfour but nothing good ever happened to an Arfour unit when Skywalker was around.

Pinned down by the pirate ships, the master and padawan scampered back to the building they had been eating at, telling the occupants inside to run for shelter and take cover.

“Why should we?” one of the patrons at the bar sniffed. “We don’t have anything Mama Ohnaka could want. We just pay our fee and go on with our day.”

“Yeah! It’s just business!” came the drunken snarl from an Ithorian’s translator in the back. His call was echoed around the joint and the Nikto bartender shook his head as he looked over at Anakin and Ahsoka. 

“You better hide those sabers,” he offered. “If Mama sees those, you’re as good as bantha scat. She’ll ransom you triple your worth and still doublecross your Republic.”

“You don’t mess with Mama,” one of the humans at the bar said, shaking his head, the chimes hanging from the ends of his dreadlocks tinkling. 

“I don’t suppose this… Mama is related to the pirates based out of Florrum, by any chance?” Anakin asked, a low, twisting feeling in his gut as he glanced back at Ahsoka. If what they said was true, he had to get his padawan out of there and into a safe place. 

“Oi! Olack! What was the name of Mama’s kid again?” the bartender asked the sullen Ithorian.

“Hando, I think?” the hammer-headed alien grumbled into his drink. “Either way, you Jedi are karked.”

 

* * *

 

“And then what happened, Ahsoka?” Obi-Wan asked, her voice soft and gentle, soothing to the poor frazzled Togruta’s montrals. She was sitting tucked up against the Jedi Master’s side, a warm cup of honeyed tea in her hands and a blanket wrapped tight around her as the older woman traced soothing healing patterns in the Force with her fingers. 

Ahsoka let out a heavy sigh. “And then Anakin hid Artoo and I under some rubble from the remains of my ship and when the pirates came, they overwhelmed him.” 

“Ah…” Obi-Wan exhaled and Ahsoka felt the briefest flicker of something in the Force, something hard and sharp, like cold-forged durasteel. And then it was gone again, replaced with the calming warmth of her of her spirit. “And did you see them take him onto their ship?”

“Yeah…” Ahsoka closed her eyes as she tried to recall every last detail of that moment. “I heard them say they were taking him to their boss back on… Catooine? That doesn’t make sense.”

“Klatooine,” Obi-Wan murmured. “On the edge of Hutt Space and far too close to the Separatists for our peace of mind.”

“We have to get him back!” Ahsoka insisted, shrugging off her blanket and turning to face her master’s master. “We can’t let them sell Anakin to the Separatists or to slavers! We have to go after him right now!”

“And I will, Ahsoka,” Obi-Wan said, squeezing Ahsoka’s shoulder as she stood up. “We’ll have Master Windu contact this… Mother Ohnaka and you and he will work on extricating Anakin through legal channels.”

“And… what are you going to do?” Ahsoka asked, glancing up at the Jedi Master, who stood up and commed Commander Cody and requested a small transport ship. “Master Obi-Wan… where are you going?”

“To Florrum,” Obi-Wan replied with smile that had far more in common with the predatorial she-wolves of Tython than the serene mentor Ahsoka was used to. “To see just how close Hondo is to his sainted mother.”

 

* * *

 

Florrum was a dust ball planet floating in space like a particularly malignant piece of trash someone had forgotten to throw away. It was not a place Obi-Wan Kenobi relished returning to, nor was she particularly inclined to be serene and equanimous about it. 

But Anakin needed rescuing and so Obi-Wan went. 

When she rescued him and brought their tally down to a much more manageable 6 rescue attempts owed, then she would discuss his habit of trolling the edges of the Outer Rim with only his Padawan and Artoo for support. 

Obi-Wan was all too well aware of the fate of whatever unfortunate Arfour was strapped into Ahsoka’s fighter and to be honest considered them tragically disposable.

After landing her ship at a distance far enough away that she wouldn’t be immediately shot out of the sky, Obi-Wan lowered the gangplank and walked out a small hover bike. 

_ I hope that theatrical buffoon is at home. I do not have the supplies necessary to retrieve Anakin from a capable pirate’s nest.  _

The Force buzzed and Obi-Wan swerved just in time to avoid a direct hit by a laser cannon. It seemed Hondo’s men were out and doing their level best to protect their boss and his operations. The next few minutes of travel were punctuated with laser fire and a disconcerting cheer in the Force, as if it found Obi-Wan’s travails terribly amusing in the middle of the quagmire that was the Clone Wars.

Obi-Wan supposed it was better to have the Force laughing with her as opposed to at her and she took it in stride as the walls of Hondo’s encampment grew larger and larger until she was running the hover bike up the wall and vaulting off of it to land in a somersault into a crouch.

Her lightsaber growled to life in her hand and the next few minutes were pleasantly mindless as Obi-Wan made short work of Hondo’s henchmen’s weapons. She was careful not to kill anyone but there was that one gentleman who stubbornly refused to surrender and he found himself flung off the top of the wall onto some soft tarps below.

The loud metallic clattering and the ensuing howl did not sound good but that was what bacta was for. 

Confident that Hondo knew of her arrival, Obi-Wan lightly leapt off the battlements and landed in the middle of the yard where an odd assortment of small fighters to light freighters were laid out in a clever array that gave the pirates plenty of places to hide and snipe at an approaching assault party. 

Not that they did much good against a Jedi who simply did not have time for this nonsense. 

Some pirates went flying and few more fell off their perches. One set was thrown together with a rather nasty sounding crack and Obi-Wan grimaced and reminded herself that she wasn’t here to hurt anyone. Just because Anakin had gotten himself kidnapped, again, and was possibly going to be ransomed off to the Separatists,  _ again _ , did not give her an excuse to engage in wholesale wanton destruction.

“Put yer hands up, you Jedi Bitch!” One particularly ugly Weequay pirate snarled. 

Obi-Wan rolled her eyes and the rude bastard went flying backwards into another pile of junk and parts, letting out a yelp of pain as something landed on a rather precious part of his anatomy. “Now that was just lazy and rude. I was expecting something a bit more colorful from the pirate horde of Hondo Ohnaka.”

Coming to a stop in an open area, Obi-Wan waited patiently for Hondo’s men to spring their trap, encircling the diminutive seeming Jedi with at least twelve men with blasters and enough glowering faces in need of some personal hygiene to give even the most roguish of Jedi pause. 

“Stop right there or we’ll slag ya!” one of Hondo’s more capable lieutenants shouted, feeling fairly secure behind a small laser cannon that was warming up with a cheerful hum. 

Obi-Wan arched an eyebrow at him, her hands on her hips. “Is Hondo here? I would hate to think I’ve gone to all this trouble only to find out I’ve missed him.”

She needn't have worried. 

“Kenobi!” A warm voice boomed from the awning-covered depths of the Hondo’s base. The pirate boss in question emerged from the shadows, a broad grin on his grey lined face and his squawking creature shrieking on his shoulder. He gave her a deep and ridiculous bow before continuing. “What brings the most beautiful Jedi in all the Galaxy to my door? Have you come to arrest me again, my sweet? That didn't work out so well for you last time.”

“As I recall, last time you double crossed me and Anakin  _ and _ tried to sell us to the Separatists,” Obi-Wan pointed out, walking over to Hondo. “I see piracy has been going well for you.”

“It would be better if you were by my side,” Hondo leered, his beady eyes shining in the afternoon light of Florrum. “Come! Come-come-come! My lady Jedi has returned to grace me with her beauteous presence! We must have a feast!”

Obi-Wan took a deep breath and rolled her eyes as Hondo’s men let out a cheer at the promise of a party. “Hondo, I don’t have time for a feast. I require your assistance in a small matter.”

Hondo paused and turned around, slow and theatrical. “What’s this? Does the ravishing and powerful Obi-Wan Kenobi require  _ my _ assistance? Do you hear that men? She does love me!”

The men let out another cheer as drinks started to flow and the chattering creature on Hondo’s shoulder let out a high pitched giggle of glee. Obi-Wan swallowed back a groan and marched over to Ohnaka, her hands curled into fists. “Hondo! I do not have time for this! My Pada… Anakin has been captured by  _ your _ mother and I need your help to free him!”

Hondo stepped behind a bar and pulled out two large glasses, filling them with whatever firewater swill he and his men called alcohol on this forgotten dustball of a planet. He gave Obi-Wan a louche smirk as he handed her a drink. “Why should I help my romantic rival for your affections, my sweet? If Mama has caught the brat then that means I can have you all to myself!”

Obi-Wan went still at that, her mind freezing up at the very notion that Hondo and Anakin Skywalker were rivals for anything, let alone her romantic affections! The very idea was preposterous and she was going to illustrate to Hondo how wrong he was when she remembered that she needed his help to get into his mother’s castle without being shot or attacked.

Taking a deep breath, Obi-Wan centered herself in the Force and trailed after Hondo. “Hondo, my… dear. Anakin is not a…  _ rival _ to you. He is my former Padawan. I practically raised him! He is like a… a… a little brother to me! A very large, annoying, easily captured little brother.”

Hondo gave Obi-Wan a long hooded look, his voice low, in a possible an attempt at being sultry. Obi-Wan refused to think too hard about it. “Is he now?”

“He is,” Obi-Wan smiled, sharp. “And he snores like a sarlaac. You can hear him through the bulkhead.” 

“How terrible,” Hondo sighed, shaking his head as he handed Obi-Wan a mug of whatever noxious concoction he had created. “I wish I could help you, my sweet, but, I cannot! I simply could not deprive my dear mother of her favorite wall hanging! What kind of son would I be?”

“Wall hanging?!” Obi-Wan snapped, slamming her hand on the bar, shocking the shrieking little beast up into the rafters. “Ah ha! So he  _ is _ at your mother’s compound on Klatooine!”

Hondo grimaced at that, holding his hands up. “No, no, no! You misunderstand my dearest Obi-Wan! It was just a figure of speech! My dear mother is… uhm… very fond of Jedi artwork and… Oh alright. He’s at my mother’s castle.”

Obi-Wan leaned over the bar, her eyes narrowed as she took a hold of one of Hondo’s lapels and slowly pulled him closer to her. “And did it not cross your mind that your dearest Obi-Wan might have been interested in this  _ lucrative _ information?”

Hondo shrugged. “Uhm… no?”

Obi-Wan’s eyes widened in annoyed fury. “Hondo…”

Somehow managing to untangle himself from the Jedi’s gasp, Hondo danced backwards, holding his hands up as his men continued celebrating. “Mama made me swear not to tell anyone! She said she didn’t want anyone to know she had him before she made an offer to the Separatists!”

“Hondo!” Obi-Wan snapped. “You can’t let her sell him to the Separatists! They will torture and kill him!” 

“Well… at least  _ I  _ won’t have to do it!” Hondo shrugged and drank his booze a little sullenly, unwilling to meet Obi-Wan’s gaze. “He’s too damn big to take down by myself.”

“Had it ever occurred to you, Hondo,  _ my love _ ,” Obi-Wan bit each sugary word off like they were poisoned. “That if my dear Padawan were to die that I would be  _ inconsolable _ ? However could I go on with my life without his support?”

Obi-Wan closed her eyes and gazed at the heavens, secretly fuming behind her shields. “How could I ever love again, knowing I had failed my poor little brother? My heart would be too broken to accept another.”

And with that melodramatic speech, Obi-Wan leaned against the bar, giving Hondo her biggest, saddest eyes as she pulled out the golden pin that held her current hairstyle in place. Golden copper tresses fell down around her face and shoulders, settling down her back like a river of fire. Obi-Wan watched with smug satisfaction behind her mental barriers as Hondo mouth hung open a bit, staring at her in tongue-tied lust.

“Please Hondo,” Obi-Wan pleaded. “You’re my only hope.”

Hondo blinked at her for a moment before he slapped a hand on the bar. “I will do it! On one condition!”

“Name it,” Obi-Wan beamed in fake delight.

“After we rescue your oversized brat of a Padawan,” Hondo leaned over the bar, practically rubbing noses with Obi-Wan. “We will be married and you will give up your Jedi ways to become my pirate queen! And together we will discover profit and riches untold!”

As much as Obi-Wan wanted to refuse Hondo’s offer, as much as she wanted to punch him in his little pug nose and run back to her fleet with instructions to flat out invade Klatooine to rescue Anakin, she knew such actions would be frowned on by the Jedi Council, to say nothing of what Chancellor Palpatine and the Senate. This was the only way to get into the pirate’s compound without raising undue suspicion or the attention of the Separatists or the Hutts for that matter. 

There was really no other way.

Obi-Wan took a deep breath and delicately held out her hand. “Nothing would bring me greater happiness, my love.”

Besides, Hondo’s proposal had given Obi-Wan an idea.

 

* * *

 

In the grand scheme of things, being taken captive by Mama Ohnaka was not nearly as bad Anakin had feared. Yes, she did electrocute him a few times and, true, he was suspended against a wall by ray cuffs but if Anakin were being completely honest, Mama had nothing on Count Dooku or that crazy shark sentient on Mon Cala. 

Just thinking about those electrocuting eel things made Anakin’s skin crawl.

To say nothing of Jar Jar Binks and his pressurized spit. 

“Ugh…” Anakin shivered. “Poor Padme.”

“Are you uncomfortable, my beautiful Jedi?” Mama Ohnaka asked from her throne where she sat, enjoying the wild revelry going on around her. There were dancing beings and all manner of rowdy shouting, drinking and gambling. It seemed like exactly the kind of place someone like Hondo would grow up in. In a way, it almost made Hondo’s outfit seen like an efficient and spartan operation. “You know… If you would take me up on my offer, I could make you  _ very  _ comfortable indeed.”

Anakin changed his mind. 

Humanoid older ladies hitting on him rated a big fat ten out of ten on his Unpleasant Places to be Held Prisoner List. 

“Thanks but no thanks, your majesty,” Anakin muttered, turning away from the wrinkled visage of Mama Ohnaka. He could not believe he was calling some random pirate “majesty” but apparently this was what he had to do while suspended on a wall in her castle. “I’m… uhm… already spoken for.”

“You and your stupid monastic order! Hah! I care nothing for your vows!” Mama snorted, waving a hand that was practically armored in bejeweled rings and other gaudy pieces of jewelry that would have offended Padme’s fashion sensibilities. And probably Obi-Wan’s.

Hell, even Jar Jar would have been offended and Anakin knew for a fact that the Gungan loved shiny things.

“Yes, well,  _ my Queen _ ,” Anakin managed to grit out as he tried to find a position that would let him stretch his shoulders, which were threatening to cramp up on him. “It is that dedication to  _ my vows _ that makes me a Jedi. And isn’t that what you find attractive about me?”

_ Please say yes. Please say yes. Please just let this is some weird Jedi kink she’s got. _

“No,” Mama grinned, leaning forward to put her chin on one hand as she leered at him. “That is the least attractive thing about you, beautiful boy.”

Anakin turned his face to the ceiling and tried not to roll his eyes before spitting out a strangled. “Oh. I see.”

_ Force damnit! Where are you, Snips? What is taking you so long to get back to Obi-Wan to rescue me? _

“This is what makes you a Jedi, my adorable little Naboo peachling,” Mama Ohnaka cooed, holding up Anakin’s lightsaber and practically moaning in delight. “A true working lightsaber! I have always wanted one and now that I have it… Oh! It’s just so big and impressive! I never thought they would be so… so... and the blade!”

As if Anakin’s day couldn’t get any worse, she ignited his blade and proceeded to wave it around the room like an overly large conductor’s baton. “Okay! Okay! Yes! It’s a lightsaber and it’s very dangerous, your majesty. Just please, put it away? For me? Your little… peachling?”

He gave her his best sheepish smile, hoping it didn’t look as fake as it felt. 

_ Thank the Force Obi-Wan isn’t here. She would never let me live that one down. Peachling? What does that even mean? _

“Does seeing a woman holding your saber intimidate you, my sweet boy?” she asked, sauntering down from her throne to walk over to where Anakin was praying incessantly for the Force to take him now because he could stand no more. “Don’t worry, my wild little Jedi. There is still time before Dooku arrives for us to  _ renegotiate  _ our arrangement.”

It was like being hit on by some kind of nightmarish combination of Asajj Ventress and Hondo Ohnaka and Anakin wanted to be rescued yesterday if it was at all possible.

“Why don’t I let you down from here and you can show me how your…  _ saber _ works,” the Weequay woman purred, running her fingers along the edges of the ray shielding. 

Anakin swallowed hard and told himself that this might be his only chance of escape and it would be foolish to throw it away because he point blank refused to flirt with the wrinkly old horned biddy that was Hondo’s mother.

But on the other hand, he wasn’t exactly excited about being tortured and then executed by Count Dooku either.

Anakin was a little appalled with himself that there was even a moment’s hesitation. If Obi-Wan were here she would have flirted the privateering matriarch into a swoon and they would have been gone before sundown. Of course, Obi-Wan could stomach flirting with Asajj which Anakin equated to flirting with a particularly rabid and vicious gundark. Her tolerance for conversation partners was perhaps set a bit lower than his.

_ C’mon Anakin! You can do this! It’s this or painful death at the hands of Count Dooku! _

But lucky for Anakin he was saved by the groaning howl of the blast doors being opened up and a truly theatrical bellow of a greeting.

“DEAREST MOTHER! I HAVE RETURNED!”

Mama Ohnaka both turned towards the door, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. She immediately turned back to her chair, unfortunately carrying Anakin’s lightsaber hilt out of reach as she draped herself back onto her throne, one leg jauntily kicked over an arm. 

Craning his neck to see, Anakin watched in stunned silence as Hondo and a group of his pirates strolled into the hive of scum and villainy that made up the den of Mama Ohnaka, the Scourge of the Far Reaches of Hutt Space. The core group, numbering roughly ten pushed and shoved their way past drunk and drugged spice freaks, bounty hunters, ladies of the night and more than a few thieves, slicers and other disreputables. 

Hondo made his way to the foot of the dais where his mother was lounging, giving her a flourish of a bow. “Hello, Mother! You are absolutely ravishing today! Have you changed your hair? It is stunning!”

Mama gazed down at her son, her black eyes scanning his face. Anakin had no idea what the relationship was like between Hondo and his mother but he hoped it was a friendly one because he did not want to be stuck to a wall as a pirate shoot-out went down. 

“Why are you here, Hondo?” Mama Ohnaka asked, her head tilted back and one hand held out for a kiss. “I thought you were playing with your friends on Florrum? What was it you said to your dearest, old mother? ‘I want to become my own man and build my own pirate empire!’ And after I offered to cut you in on my profits too.”

Hondo glanced around the room at the unfriendly and slimy chuckles coming from the shadowy corners of the throne room. Anakin couldn’t quite make out if Hondo’s men were fully armed but he could definitely tell they were on edge. 

Was Hondo going to shoot up his own mother’s castle? Was this how the Ohnakas handled family disagreements? With blaster fire and death?

And Anakin thought he and Obi-Wan had trouble discussing their feelings.

“I have come to bring you great news, Mama!” Hondo gestured, his long, spindly fingers spreading wide. “I am to be married and soon you will be a grandmama!”

“A what?” she sputtered, actually sitting up a little in surprise. “You… you found someone to marry you? After you rejected all of the beautiful women I sent you? It had better not be that albino whore with the antenna! Hondo, I have told you a thousand times to never trust a bounty hunter! They are the only beings in this galaxy who love credits more than we do!”

Was she referring to Aurra Sing? Did Hondo and Aurra Sing have a relationship?

Someone found Hondo attractive enough to marry?

Anakin was going to be sick.

“No, no, Mama!” Hondo soothed his mother, carefully climbing his way up the dais to take her hand and kiss one of her rings. He patted the back of her hand and gave her his best and most disreputable grin. “I promise, Mama that she is truly worthy of the Ohnaka name. My bride is as beautiful as she is deadly. And unlike my ex you so rudely insulted, my radiant goddess is not motivated by credits or profit! She is driven by the pure love she feels for me in her heart.”

Mama Ohnaka arched an eyebrow at Hondo and held up a hand to his forehead. “Hondo, are you ill? Do you have a fever? What kind of lies has this strumpet been telling you?”

Anakin had to admit he was a little curious too. What kind of woman would willingly agree to marry Hondo? 

Backing his way back down to the floor where his men were, Hondo held his hands up to placate his mother. “No lies, my dearest Mother! I promise you that my new bride is too honorable for that.”

Mama rolled her eyes and waved off Hondo’s words. “My son, how many times have I told you? We are pirates and have no need for honor! We care only for treasure and profit! Now tell me about this… grandchild.”

“Well… what can I say?” Hondo boasted, holding his arms wide. “I am a very virile man! My bride cannot get enough of me! We are already pregnant.”

Yup. Anakin was definitely going to throw up whatever was left in his stomach. 

_ Sweet Force please kill me now.  _ Anakin gazed skyward and prayed for his end to come on swift wings when something tickled the edge of his awareness. He turned his attention back to the squabbling mother and son, watching to see what was going to happen next.

“So you mean to tell me you knocked up some tramp and now you’re going to marry her?” Mama Ohnaka glowered at her son. “And let me guess, you’ve brought this tramp to my house for my blessing, haven’t you?”

Hondo shrugged. “Well… when you put it like that, yes. I did. Darling! Mama will see you now!”

Anakin watched in utter fascination as Hondo’s bride glided into the room, taking small, immaculate steps. She was garbed in some kind of white diaphanous assemblage that seemed to have been thrown together from several different cultures. There was the white horn-hiders from Iridonia that floated down over the woman’s face in an almost opaque veil. There was the white, many layered splendor of a Nidai wedding robe and peeking out underneath that was a vermillion sheath of a Corellian wedding dress. The stark white of the ensemble seemed to glow in the half murk of Mama Ohnaka’s throne room and Anakin heard more than a few guests gasp and “ooo” in a kind of stunned awe.

But there was something about this diaphanous, floating creature that didn’t quite sit right with Anakin and he stretched out his neck, trying to get a better view of her. There was something predatory about the perfect placement of of her hands, about the way her feet moved lightly but never demurely. They were braced, shoulder width apart and the toes of her boots were carefully hidden behind a waterfall of white silk sleeves. 

Anakin was starting to regret his earlier curiosity into the kind of woman who could find Hondo attractive. She did indeed look dangerous.

“Darling!” Hondo enthused, rushing over to his intended and taking one dainty delicate hand and pressing a kiss to the tips of her fingers which were quickly yanked back into her sleeves. “Please forgive me, Mama, but we are on our way to our wedding ceremony.”   


“Ceremony?” she squawked, slamming a bejeweled fist on the arm of her throne. “What the hell does that mean? I have not given you my blessing yet! And I don’t trust this girl! What kind of proper daughter-in-law comes into my throne dressed like some kind of Chandrillan priestess?”

Hondo took a breath and gave his mother the sweetest smile he possessed. “A respectful and modest one, my dear, sainted mother.” 

“Respectful? Hah! I’ll believe that when I see it!” the Pirate Queen barked before she pointed at Anakin. “Peachling! What can your Jedi senses tell me about this vain strumpet who has bewitched my precious little Hondo?”

Hondo rolled his eyes and let out a sullen. “Mama… Wait? Did you just call him Peachling?”

Anakin grit his teeth and rolled his eyes. “It’s hard to tell from over here, your majesty. I can’t really see her.”

“Hah! I will not fall for your Jedi mind tricks, my sweet Naboo Peach!” she guffawed, shaking her head. “You think I will be seduced by your handsome face into letting you down but I know Jedi and you do not need to see this strumpet to  _ see _ her.”

Anakin sagged against his restraints and tried not to groan. “Yes, your majesty.”

Thinking of it as an opportunity to test out just what it was that Hondo was planning to do, other than nauseate Anakin and annoy his mother, he reached out with his senses, letting the Force unfurl from his control like a river bursting free from the dam holding it in place. His awareness stretched out to fill the room, the essence of who Anakin was reaching and expanding until it seemed to bump into another unique and distinct individual in the Force.

A very familiar Force sensitive. 

_ Oh. There you are. Could you get me out of here?  _ Anakin grinned a little as he finished his scan and retreated back into himself. He rolled his shoulders back and took a calm, steadying breath before he answered the privateering matriarch.

“My queen, your son speaks the truth,” Anakin announced with a loud voice. “His… bride is indeed the most beautiful and dangerous woman in the galaxy.”

Mama Ohnaka glanced at Anakin, unnerved by her Jedi’s observation. She slowly stood up, her black beady eyes narrowed on the woman garbed in white at the foot of her dais. “Hondo… who have you brought into my home, the very bosom of your mother’s empire?”

Hondo shrugged, holding his arms up. “Why Mama! I already told you. I brought _my_ _Queen_.”

Anakin wasn’t sure what set the pirate queen off, if it was the tone in Hondo’s voice or the Force or just plain maternal instinct but he knew before the command was given that she didn’t like the white-garbed woman who had apparently bewitched her son. 

If anyone was going to wind Hondo around their pinkie it was going to be his mother and no one else. 

“Oh Hondo… I am so disappointed in you. I thought taught you better than to betray someone to their face. In the back, my boy! We always stab them in the back!” Mama Ohnaka sighed as she waved a hand. “Kill her.”

There was a loud clattering of guns being shifted into position before the familiar and anxiety inducing sound of blaster fire. The room lit up in an explosion of ricocheting bolts as Hondo’s bride seemed to explode up towards the ceiling, her veil drifting down over a particularly drunk clutch of partiers who let out a cheer when the shooting started, too drunk to realize they needed to get some place safe. With a precise flip, the bride landed right in front of Mother Hondo, a brilliant blue-white lightsaber in her grasp and a jaunty tilt of her chin. 

“Hello, Mother Dear,” Obi-Wan almost trilled in a kind of malevolent cheerfulness. “That’s not a very nice way to start a relationship with your future daughter-in-law, now is it?”

“Jedi scum!” Mama Ohnaka hissed, backing away from the blade pointed at her crepey neck and the ridiculous amount of necklaces hanging there. “I knew it! I knew you had bewitched my precious little boy!”

“Do you really find it that hard to believe that Jedi would not find Hondo roguishly charming?” Obi-Wan asked, her head tilted to the side. “I have found myself growing quite fond of him and his complete dedication to his own greed and avarice.”

“See? She does loves me!” Hondo cheered, earning an echoing cheer from his men who were all huddled behind their leader and the Jedi woman. “Come Mama! There is no need to fight! All my bride desires is a wedding gift from you and then we will be gone! Poof! It will be as if we were never here!”

_ What wedding present?  _ Anakin frowned, flexing and stretching with his bound hands, trying to call out to his lightsaber from where it rested somewhere on the throne. If he could just get free then this whole farce of a betrothal could end and he and Obi-Wan could get far away from this crazy family.

“A gift, eh?” Mama Ohnaka sneered at Obi-Wan, who remained as still and as placid as a lake, her blue gray eyes focused with laser sharp intensity on the pirate queen before her. “I knew it! I knew you had come to steal from me, my baby boy! Which one of my treasures does your Jedi want to take back with her?”

“Sadly my darling Hondo’s residence leaves something to be desired,” Obi-Wan replied with a sharp grin. “I was hoping I could ask you to spare a wall hanging. Something of Naboo design perhaps?”

Anakin stifled a groan, realizing now that not only had Hondo heard his mother’s pet name for him but not Obi-Wan had as well.  _ I am never going to live this down. Ever.  _

“Naboo?” the pirate queen gasped, her gaze darting from Obi-Wan to Anakin and then back again. “You have come to steal away  _ my _ prize? How dare you! I am a… erk!?”

Mama let out a squeak of worry when Obi-Wan moved her blade a few centimeters closer to the older Weequay’s leathery neck. Her posture was relaxed but Anakin knew from experience that Obi-Wan was anything but. He had seen the face that went along with that stance before and he was glad he was not in the receiving end of that she-wolf smile and too-bright blue eyes.

Just a little bit more and his saber would be free. 

“I’m afraid I must insist, Mother Ohnaka,” Obi-Wan’s lip twitched in an almost sneer. “I have already told my darling Hondo how devastated the loss of my darling little brother would make me. I might even lose the baby in grief.”

Mama Ohnaka widened her eyes at that. “Do you honestly expect me to believe that?”

“No. Not really,” Obi-Wan nodded to Hondo. “Now, my sweet.”

Hondo shrugged at his mother and held up a detonator. “I am sorry, Mama, but, you are correct. She has bewitched me, body and soul!”

There was a loud and ominous boom that went off somewhere in the lower room, shivering up through the whole building, and then a loud and piercing siren went off. The lights started flashing and then the pounding of feet echoed from the hallway.

“How much explosive did you use?” Obi-Wan blinked at Hondo, surprised by the force of the explosion. “You were only supposed to blow out a door, not take the whole bloody place down!”

Grinning, Hondo folded his arms over his chest. “I could not resist, my love! And besides, it is my birthday next month! Mama can think of it as an early birthday present.”

“What do you mean a birthday present? We’re only here for Anakin!” Obi-Wan glared.

Shrugging, Hondo replied, “Well I thought while we were here I would pick up my birthday present!” 

“Hondo! You greedy bastard!” Obi-Wan gaped.

“Mama!” one of the minions shouted from the doorway. “They’ve blown the vault outer wall open! They’re stealing the treasure!”

“What?!” she gasped, turning her attention away from Obi-Wan to glower furiously at Hondo. “Guards! Protect the vault! Seize those thieving pirates!”

Obi-Wan took the opportunity to surreptitiously back away while mother and son squabbled in the ruckus. 

“Is this your doing, Hondo?! Have you betrayed your own family for cold, hard, credits?” the pirate queen seethed, stomping down the stairs of the dais to poke her finger at her son. “I… I have never been so betrayed. Or so proud! Come to Mama, my sweet little boy! This is such a clever plan! Double crossing even your new Jedi bride!”

Obi-Wan and Anakin both gaped in a confused kind of awe as the privateering matriarch and her equally profiteering son embraced as the chaos of a bank heist was going on around them. Hondo’s men were fleeing out the door as mother and son pulled apart, tears in their eyes. “I knew you would appreciate my genius, Mama!”

“Fine, I will grant you the Jedi as a wedding present,” Mama Ohnaka sniffed, dabbing at her eyes with a golden cloth as she waved a hand. 

The ray cuffs deactivated with a sigh and Anakin let out a grunt as he collapsed forward, catching himself on the corners of the alcove he had been positioned in. He stepped around the edge and summoned his saber which flew to his hand with a satisfying thwack! Obi-Wan was still on the defensive and he took a moment, trying to ignore the sirens and distant sounds of battle to work out any sore or tweaked muscles from hanging on a wall for a day or so.

“Are you alright?” Obi-Wan asked, her voice low and carried to Anakin via the Force. “I think we’ll be getting out of here shortly unless my dear mother-in-law changes her mind.”

“Please tell me you didn’t actually marry that raisin-faced buffoon,” Anakin muttered as he stepped up next to Obi-Wan, his face morphing into a glare as he waited for the Ohnakas to finish melodramatically embracing each other. 

“No, of course not,” Obi-Wan answered, a teasing lilt in her voice. “Why? Are you jealous, my Naboo Peach?”

The frown on Anakin’s face threatened to turn into a thunderous scowl as he quickly shot a dirty look at Obi-Wan, who was still wearing the many-layered white wedding robe and the rather scandalously low cut red silk shift beneath it. “Where did you get all of that?”

“Would you believe Hondo picked this out for me?” Obi-Wan chuckled, shaking her head. “Did you hear? I bewitched him!”

Anakin rolled his eyes and tried to remember that the bombastic prune was helping him avoid a terrible death at the hands of Count Dooku and it would be considered terribly rude of him to murder the pirate. 

“And now I must go, Mama,” Hondo sighed, giving his beloved mother another tearful hug before he took a step back. “Thank you for the wall hanging by the way. I think he’s a good match for the carpeting.”

“Ah… about that,” Mama clicked her tongue and waggled her finger at Obi-Wan and Anakin. “I am not so blinded by love as my son and I know for a fact that you are not some random bimbo he picked up on Florrum, are you?”

Obi-Wan risked a glance at Hondo before giving his mother a bland expression. “I’m afraid I don’t understand, Mother dearest. What seems to be the trouble?”

“You are Obi-Wan Kenobi,” the Pirate Matriarch announced, her voice somehow carrying on over the chaos of downstairs. “I’ve seen you on the holonet, running all over the galaxy with my sweet little trinket over there. Do you expect me to believe that you are going to throw that all away to marry  _ my son _ ?”

Anakin rolled his eyes this time and let out a groan. “I am not your sweet little trinket… your majesty!”

“Mama!” Hondo protested, actually sounded a bit insulted. “Are you accusing the beautiful and deadly Obi-Wan Kenobi, the great Negotiator and War General of the Galactic Republic, of lying and deceit? In front of her own future husband?”

Mama Ohnaka glanced from Obi-Wan to Hondo and back again. “Yes, I am.”

Obi-Wan stared the Pirate Queen in the eye and nodded. “Fair enough. If you doubt the veracity of my affection then allow me to demonstrate the feelings that flutter in the depths of my bosom.”

Anakin had no idea what Obi-Wan just said but he had the horrible feeling it was going to somehow involve Obi-Wan kissing Hondo, a fate he considered worse than death.

“Beloved?” Obi-Wan grit her teeth and held out her hand to Hondo, who took the delicate pale hand of his favorite Jedi and pulled her close.

“You know… I am really starting to think you  _ do  _ love me, Obi-Wan,” Hondo all but purred. “Don’t worry. I will make it look convincing.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Obi-Wan muttered and Hondo did just that and they kissed, a good solid embrace that appeared to be just passionate enough that if one squinted hard and tilted their head just right it was almost believable that Obi-Wan Kenobi did in fact love Hondo Ohnaka. Which she did not but the things one did to rescue their captured Padawans...

And, to his credit, Anakin did not throw up but he did make a mental plan punch Hondo at his earliest convenience. Which would be in another ten seconds if he didn’t get his stinking hands off Obi-Wan.

After a moment of genuine surprise not having expected the Jedi to commit to her lie so convincingly, the privateering matriarch groaned in disgust. “Okay! Okay! Get a room you two! Honestly! Is it not enough that you rob me blind, steal my favorite bit of Jedi beauty and now you enchant my only son?” 

“My apologies, Mother Ohnaka,” Obi-Wan smiled as the compound was rocked with an explosion. “But I am known for my thoroughness. Now if you will excuse us, our ride should be arriving shortly.”

With a wave of her hand, the three were dismissed, leaving the great Matriarch to scream at her retainers and subordinates to not let those thieving Jedi and her ungrateful son escape from the complex alive.

“Okay so now that the romance is done,” Anakin glowered at Hondo and Obi-Wan, “How are we going to get out of here?”

“Oh don’t worry, Peachling!” Hondo chortled as they carefully picked their way through the detritus of a firefight that had already made its way down to the vault where the two brigades of pirates were fighting for gold and riches. “My men have already planned a perfect getaway! Come! We must hurry! I do not want to lose any of my new treasure. Or be late to our wedding, my sweet!”

Obi-Wan followed after Hondo, gathering up the long layers of her robe as she picked her away around dead bodies, the unconscious and the injured. Anakin managed to catch up with her and grabbed her arm, pulling her back into the protective shadow of his larger frame. “Is he serious? Why does he keep talking about your wedding? You’re not going to marry him, are you?”

Looking back up at her partner, Obi-Wan rolled her eyes. “Anakin, I am a Jedi. And we are going to be late to  _ our _ evac. Now stop scowling and hurry up.”

With a sniff and an almost flounce, because Obi-Wan was far too serious of a Jedi to flounce even in a ridiculous wedding ensemble, she was off down the hallway, deflecting stray blaster bolts as guards tried to rush forward in an attempt to stop them from their escape. Anakin let out a muttered Huttese curse and followed after her. 

After an uneventful dash to the vault, Hondo, Obi-Wan and Anakin came upon a fierce firefight between Hondo’s men inside the vault and Mama’s men outside of it. 

“I think we should try to take them by surprise,” Obi-Wan commented from where they were peering around a door jamb. “Anakin and I will go in first and Hondo, you can order your men to evacuation point.”

“No,” Anakin glowered as he stepped past the other two, cracking the knuckles of his left hand.. “I’ve got this covered.”

“Anakin! What are you doing?” Obi-Wan hissed at him but it was too late and she gave chase, Hondo strolling after them, occasionally taking aim at a brigand who was trying to steal back the treasure Hondo’s men had already stolen. 

There was a flurry of deflected shots and several pirates went flying through the air as Anakin made short work of the cluster of enemies firing on Hondo’s men. Obi-Wan hurried after him, a bit dismayed to see that her assistance was not really required. 

Hondo was just chortling to himself. “My dear Obi-Wan, I think your little brother might be a  _ tiny _ bit jealous of our impending nuptials.”

Obi-Wan rolled her eyes and gave Hondo a hard glare. “Hondo, I swear to the Force that if you don’t stop antagonizing Anakin, I am going to have to muzzle you… dearest.”

“Well… if that’s what you’re into,” Hondo leered and Obi-Wan let out a loud and disgusted groan, hurrying to keep up with Anakin. “Don’t forget my love! We’re going straight to church after this!”

“As if you could let me forget!” Obi-Wan snapped, already inside the vault and unable to see the true humorous beauty that was Hondo Ohnaka waltzing his way down the hallway humming an old Galactic standard “Runaway Bride”.

Inside the vault, Anakin and Obi-Wan stood to the side as what was left of Hondo’s men were carefully loading a large safe full of credits onto a nearby air skiff, wind thrown up by the repulsor lift boosters whipping debris around the room. 

The Vault had been ransacked except for two walls of lock boxes and a stack of storage crates. Clearly Hondo had instructed his men to not take everything from his dear mother and from the looks of it, Mama Ohnaka was going to be just fine when washed out in the end.

“How are we going to get out of here?” Anakin asked, frowning at the skiff. “We’ll be completely exposed trying to make it to another ship.”

“Patience,” Obi-Wan answered, pulling a com out of her robe and tapping a code into it. “We’ll be out of here shortly and back on the  _ Resolute  _ before you know it.”

“Men! We have taken enough from my sainted mother!” Hondo announced as he proudly strutted into the vault. “It is time for us to make our dramatic escape! To the ship, men! And then… To my wedding!”

“I think he seriously thinks he’s going to marry you!” Anakin gaped at Hondo and his men, who were hurrying to the giant hole in the wall. Almost half of the pirates were able to fit onto the air speeder that pulled away from the side of the building and took off in the direction of the distant saucer shaped starship. 

“You just focus on finding our ride out of here and  _ I _ will focus on Hondo,” Obi-Wan said as they all waited for the skiff to return and take the rest of the assembled crew. “Did you know? He fancies you his rival for my romantic affections.”

“What?!” Anakin gaped, moving just a little too late to accurately block an incoming blaster bolt and instead he sent it ricocheting at Hondo’s ship. “What do you mean ‘rival for your romantic affections’? In what galaxy is Hondo _ my _ rival?”

“In the one of his own making I suppose,” Obi-Wan shrugged, tapping out another mysterious message into her comm before standing up assist Anakin at defending their position from incoming ship fire. “Our ride will be here shortly.”

“Five people will have to stay behind and wait for the next one, my love,” Hondo announced over explosive percussion on turret fire the whining roar of the approaching air speeder. “I’m am sorry, Little Brother, but you will have to stay here. But do not fear! I will let no harm come to our beloved Obi-Wan.”

Anakin narrowed his eyes at Hondo, his hand curling into a fist. “I am not letting you go anywhere with Obi-Wan. You got your credits! What more do you want?”

“Now now,” Obi-Wan soothed, stepping between the pirate and the Jedi. “There’s no need to be angry. I’m sure we can make room for Anakin. He is  _ terribly _ important to me after all.”

Hondo narrowed his eyes and glanced at Obi-Wan. “Hmm… I don’t trust him, my precious! He is clearly jealous of our deep and eternal love!”

“What?!” Anakin gasped, his eyes going round with shock. “Are you serious? Obi-Wan doesn’t lo…”

“Obi-Wan doesn’t want to talk about this right now, boys!” the Jedi in question interrupted, pushing both Hondo and Anakin over to the skiff that had finally arrived. “Go go! Let’s all go together on the skiff and get out of here before reinforcements… Oh and here they are.”

Another round of blaster fire chased them out of the now empty vault and the next few minutes were spent returning fire or deflecting bolts. Anakin was too focused on the immediate moment to notice another ship, a T-6 painted in Republic red. But he did let one or two bolts land a little closer than Hondo would have liked. 

“Are you trying to get me killed, Peachling?” Hondo shouted over the roar of battle. “That is no way for my future brother-in-law to act!”

“Obi-Wan is  _ not _ marrying you!” Anakin shouted back. “She’s a Jedi and Jedi don’t get married.”

Hondo smirked. “Oh? Well then that means she’s not marrying  _ you _ either!”

“Oh dear! Look at the time,” Obi-Wan snapped, bullying her way in between the two men. “Anakin and I really must be going, my dearest Hondo. I’m so sorry to leave you at the altar like this but you do understand of course. It would never work out between us. We both know you will never love me as much as you love credits.”

Hondo let out a truly great sigh. “This is true, my Obi-Wan.  Although I have tried to make it work for your sake. But a promise is a promise!”

“Then I shall follow your example, dear Hondo, and break that promise,” she smiled.

And with that, Obi-Wan climbed up onto the railing of airspeeder, saluted the assembled pirates, and jumped off the ship. Anakin and Hondo both raced to the edge of the skiff and watched as Obi-Wan landed on the wing of the Republic ship below them. There was some kind of cord tied down to the wing, allowing her to stay upright while the ship hovered beneath them.

“Oh!” Hondo gasped in heartbroken melodrama. “Such betrayal! Such deception! I have taught her so well! You had better go too, Naboo Peach.”

“That is NOT my name,” Anakin snarled as he pointed a finger at Hondo, who waved him away as he took over command of the air skiff. With a roll of his eyes Anakin promptly vaulted himself over the side of the airship.

Once Anakin was safely out of reach, Hondo shouted over the railing, with a flourish. “Thief! Scoundrel! Come back with my bride, you double crossing Jedi!”

Paying the Weequay no mind, Anakin landed on the wing of the ship, catching the restraining strap that was attached to the door to the cockpit, where Obi-Wan was standing, the crisp white sleeves of her wedding dress flapping in the breeze. Rex stood behind her gazing up at the pirate ship overhead, one of his blasters pulled out and Anakin could just barely make out Ahsoka in the cockpit with Cody. 

Wrapping the strap around his arm and balancing himself with the Force, Anakin carefully made his way to the cockpit of the ship, the belligerent bellowing of Hondo growing fainter with each step. By the time he got to the juncture of the wing and the ship, he couldn’t hear the pirate at all, and he happily let Rex and Obi-Wan pull him inside.

“Glad to have you back, sir,” Rex said as Anakin stepped past him and Obi-Wan, who was politely waving goodbye to the pirates. 

“You too, Rex,” Anakin grunted, hurrying past them to the front cockpit. “Snips? I want you to bring us up level to the skiff. I have a bone to pick with Hondo.”

“Oh, hi Master!” Ahsoka muttered as she shot a glance up at him. “I’m happy to see you too. We were worried about you but I’m glad you’re back to your grumpy self.”

“Anakin?” Obi-Wan called from the back cabin. “What are you doing? We need to get out of here before Mother Ohnaka decides to mobilize the rest of her air support.”

“Just one last thing,” Anakin glowered as Ahsoka brought the two ships side by side. Obi-Wan stayed next to the door as her partner held onto the top lip of the doorway. “Hey! Hondo!”

Hondo looked up from the helm, actually puzzled that the Jedi hadn’t made their escape already. “You are still here, Peachling? Go! Shoo! I am consoling myself with my… how much did we take from Mama?”

On of the pirates spoke up, “A hundred thousand credits sir and two lock boxes of weapons and ammunitions.”

“One hundred thousand credits?!” Hondo gaped, actually sounding a bit stunned at his sudden largess. “Do you hear that, my Obi-Wan! I am a wealthy man now! But it is too late! My heart is too broken! Farewell my love!”

Obi-Wan rolled her eyes and covered her face with her hand. “Truly, my soul is crushed. However will I go on? Anakin, what are we still doing here?”

“This,” Anakin grunted and leaned over to pull Obi-Wan close enough to kiss, which, unlike her kiss with Hondo earlier this one was considerably longer and infinitely more pleasant, once she got past the fact that they were standing next to an open door on a starship and could possibly plummet to their deaths a thousand meters below. And considering the turbulence kicked up by Hondo’s airspeeder’s repulsor lifts and the atmospheric disruption, Obi-Wan had to cling just a little bit tighter than was professionally necessary to Anakin’s shoulders, who didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.

Hondo, on the other hand, found their dramatic kiss to be an utter delight and pounded on the shoulder of his nearest henchman. “Ah HA! I knew it! I knew you were jealous of our eternal love! Do you see that men! I have a Jedi for a rival! I told you, Obi-Wan! Have fun with your Padawan, my dear!”

And with his treasure secure and his hide intact, and that of most his men, Hondo Ohnaka flew off into the sunset, to be picked up by his own vessel and flown to safety on Florrum.

Captain Rex watched the pirates fly away and wondered when exactly would be a good time to interrupt his generals and if he would need to do so from the safety of the cockpit. He risked a glance at the two and decided that there would be no harm in waiting just a little bit longer.  

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is done and off my to do list. Thank the Force. 
> 
> As some of you my know, Lily Conrad usually edits my work but I just want to make it clear that she did not edit this work so if it's not up to my usual standards that's why. 
> 
> This was supposed to be a little tiny fic but NOOOOOO! Hondo demanded a 9K opus about his adventures with "the most Beauuuuuutiful Jedi in the galaxy." 
> 
> So here it is and I hope y'all enjoy it! I'm going to go back to working on my other fics and if you have a moment could you swing by my tumblr and [ help me pick which story I should be working on in between Tano and Kenobi?](http://fireflyfish.tumblr.com/post/157342301677/will-you-be-updating-after-the-end-of-the-world) I would much appreciate it!
> 
> Thanks for stopping by!


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